Mistakes and Outcomes
by polarbear815
Summary: Santana confess's her love to Puck, but makes it worse by telling the girl he loves about them. Now she feels alone in this world, so what's left for her to live?


Ahhh so i've been having mad writers block and writing like three different stories at once. but this kinda just popped out of no where, so here's a little one-shot. Enjoy! ;)

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><p><em>It all started with a crack. Well I guess it technically started with the fall. I don't know. But I guess we'll start from the very beginning. Well, not exactly. You already know my name. Santana Lopez. You already know who I am. And you know, I get it, I do. I'm a cheerle<em>_ader. I've got bigger tits then your girlfirend. We used to be best friends. I get it. But that isnt any reason you had to kill me._

**Four days earlier**

_I cant understand how my life went to awesome to shit in one week. One fucking week. It's all it takes I guess. A few stupid mistakes, comments. But it doesn't mean I should've lost everything I had. _

_But you left and you never leave. Even when you were dealing with your own shit, you still turned to me, looked for me. It's like some fucked up version of Romeo and Juliet. Like the really super totally acid tripping out version of Romeo and Juliet. _

I look up from my notebook and Rachel Berry is staring down at me. Sort of like how everyone does these days.

"To what do I have the honor?" I asked. Rachel expressionless state managed to falter. I raised an eyebrow. I'm actually surprised to see her.

"We're worried about you." she barely said. She's worried about me? She should hate every part of me. I managed a stiff laugh.

Worried, sure they were. It only takes a crisis for any of them to start suddenly caring. Exhibit A being when Baby Momma was Prego and everyone who hated her suddenly felt bad for her. Or how about we swing to when Brittany thought Santa was real? No one gave her the time of day other then me and Artie and all of a sudden it was like it was their problem.

"I don't give a shit what you guys are worried about. Nothings wrong. Just leave it RuPaul." I spat. I bolted up grabbing my notebook and my handbag. It's sad I can't even get peace and quiet in the frickin library. Like come on.

I walked into the empty hallway heading straight to my favorite place. The one place I go where I need to get away. Where no one will be except maybe the one person I wouldn't mind seeing.

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><p><em>Everything always manages to feel perfect up here. Unless it's raining. That kind of blows. <em>I smile. _You remember that time we came up here and it started to pour? You said it wasn't gonna rain and I told you it was, telling you to look at the fucking clouds. You were having a bad day though. I think that was the week Finn and Quinn decided to get back together. God that was probably the weirdest sex we've ever had. Naked, on the roof, during a thunderstorm. _I chuckled. _Actually, you remember the time we did it in the janitors closet in between switching classes? That was definitely the fastest experience. _

I bite my lip, remembering then sigh out a laugh. I glance over towards the door as if you'll magically appear.

_I wish you were here, right now. It's torture, this whole "Santana went fucking insane so now we need to care about her even though we should be lookin out for Rachel" gig. It's getting old. But I still miss you. I need to talk to you, like I needed to talk to you about four hours ago. _I glance up again. _Where are you? It's fourth period. You have math fourth period. You are always up here. Did you know I'd be up here? Waiting for you. Usually that sort of thing would make a boy come running. Even some girls. But you've never been like that. A respectable, gentleman. Yeah, especially when you would talk about my body, or how hot I make you all night. Yep, a total gentleman. _

I lean my head against the hard concrete wall. The breeze feels cool against my bare skin. I close my eyes enjoying the silence, the serenity. It's been hard to get that lately. What with all the people right below my feet talking about me. Or him. Or her. Or all three. I let out in involuntary sigh then pull out my phone. I scroll to his number and send him a text. _Where are you? I need you._

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><p>I feel like going to Glee Club is like my new personal hell. It's like walking on hot coals. Or maybe getting hit with paintballs without all the gear. So yeah, it sucks major ass. I look over at Ms. Fabray. God I hate this girl. Yet someone, here she is, being my escort to glee. I guess they all think I'd run away or something. Well that doesn't exactly sound like a bad idea right now considering all this shit their putting me through here.<p>

"You know, you aren't the only one who's hurting." Quinn said. I looked at her again. So her eyes were red from crying. Bitch deserves it. I had heard something about her and Finn breaking up, but if she thinks she can compare it to my situation, she's wrong.

"You know, I don't give a fuck." Did she seriously think that she could pull that crap? Try to make her look like the victim? As if she hadn't done it a thousand times before.

She didn't respond. She just continued to walk with me, pacing her steps with mine. We entered the choir room and it was obvious that all of them were talking about either me or Quinn. My bet says it was me considering all the looks I got. I ignored all of them and walked to my seat in the back. He wasn't there. Neither was Rachel. I knew they weren't together though. Was it supposed to surprise me that he wasn't here?

Maybe that's what they were all talking about. My ability to break my walls down enough just to have someone come and knock my entire fortress over. I've got to say, it is pretty obnoxiously annoying.

Mr. Shue walks in then, glancing at me, but then continuing on as if nothing happened. I ignore him and pull out my notebook.

_It's too weird without you. Usually you'd be sitting close enough so we could make fun of the vest Shue was wearing or how many times Kurt checked himself in his compact mirror. I miss that. The carefree you. You used to not give a shit about anything. Besides your mom and sister. They've always meant the world to you. But ever since Quinn got knocked up you lost that._

_God she's taken everything, hasn't she? First she took one of the best qualities about you, then Frankenteens innocence, Rachel's ignorance, Cedes kindness, Trouty Mouth's trustworthiness. Then she even took away your little girl. And people wonder why I hate her. Everyone thinks it's envy, but really, it's just that I cant stand her._

_You of all people would know that. Sometimes its all I would talk about. For days. And you were the only one who listened to me bitch. You've always been the one I could vent to. And even though I know most of the time you only did it cause you love angry sex, you still listened. It's more then I could ever ask for. From anyone._

I haven't realized that everyone has left. It' kind of sad, that's how I've been feeling lately. Left behind.

**One day Earlier**

_You still wont talk to me. It's been nearly a week now and still nothing. I hate how you can have this effect on me. I could honestly say I would hate it if anybody had this effect on me. But I'm pretty sure because it's you it's making it twenty times worse._

_But that doesn't change the fact that I still miss you. I still need you with me. I feel like a complete pussy, I know you'd tell me the same thing. You'd say something like "San did they cut your balls off at the doctor or something?" Or maybe you'd say "Tan you really need to get your heart checked out because I think it might actually be there."_

_Then I'd smack you upside the head and tell you I was serious. Then you'd kiss me and we'd all live happily ever after._

_Riiiight. Because obviously my love story would end up a perfect one. You, maybe. Me, no such luck. I'd be lucky to get someone who could remotely stand me and tell me I'm pretty on a daily basis. Like an Nba or Nfl player._

I feel someone tap my shoulder and find Brittany sitting right next to me. I really need to stop coming to the library because apparently that's where everyone wants to bug the shit out of you.

"Hey Tanny." she said. It's so hard to be angry at Brittany and I nearly cave immediately. But I compose myself. Building up those brick walls I need so much.

"Brittany." I answer. We stay like this for a moment as she stares into the pools of my eyes.

"I think we need to talk." she finally says. I feels like a lifetime but somehow I nod. I feel disconnected from my own body. Like I'm on autopilot.

I follow her out of the library and into our spot. The third janitors closet in the Freshman wing. No one ever comes near here because it's one of the scariest places in this entire school. Maybe that's why me and Brittany like it so much. It makes everything else seem so frail in comparison.

When I close the door behind me, Brittany plops herself on one of the dusty old chairs that used to be in a classroom. But the graffiti and the state tell us it's probably older then me and her combined. I lean against the door intent on not making this a long conversation.

"Okay, what's up?" I ask her.

She looks a little confused. "Are you joking or-?" she asks in all seriousness.

I huff as a response. "Of course I am. I have no idea what's going on in your head Brit, so what is it?" I ask it harsher then I should.

Worry lines appear in her forehead. "San, you're my best friend and you've barely been talking to me." she says. I want to state the obvious and tell her that we haven't really talked since she decided to keep dating Artie and completely blew me off, but I let that pass because now that I think about it I'm glad we didn't go there.

"Yeah, well I'm just…" I trail. I have no clue what I'm feeling. Normally I just feel emotionless. Like everything is a blip on my radar screen so I can just fade into the background noise.

"I know, it's just, I'm worried about you." I begin to intrupt but she holds up a finger. "I know everyone's told you that, but that's because it's true. We all care about you." she says. I roll my eyes. "We care about her, we care about him and you. You know it's true. And even if you think they don't, you know I care about you."

I tighten my grip on my notebook. A few months ago that's all I would've needed. But now? All I think about as I exit the room is if he never entered the picture would I still be in this situation now.

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><p><em>Of course it's raining today. But not enough to keep me off our roof. It's 7th period now. You have English. It usually isn't that hard to get you to skip that class. I couple cute texts and you'd be up here. What the hell changed? I'll probably never understand.<em>

_I need to know what I've done to deserve this whole fucking situation._

_I don't think you'll ever tell me though. I feel like your never even going to talk to me again. Was it really that bad? Our arrangement, so to speak, was that bad? Did I make it worse by telling you? Telling you I love you? Or was it when I told her?_

_I'm sorry. If that's what you want to hear I'm sorry. But it's the truth. And considering this is my journal and hopefully no other shit heads are ever gonna read this (and trust me I'll fucking tear out your insides and feed them to you if you do) I shouldn't really lie. Because that would be like lying to myself. And trust me; I do enough of that already. _

The door swings open and I look to see if it him, but Rachel is standing there, cheeks stained with her tears. I frown and stand up.

"Rachel…?" I ask. She sniffles and wipes the underneath of her puffy eyes, smudging the light makeup she had on.

"His mom found a note, in his room, he left Santana. He's gone." She breathes.

"Gone? Where?" I wonder aloud. I grip my notebook tighter, imprinting the coils on the palm of my hand for sure. I can already taste the blood from where I'm currently gnawing off the inside of my cheek.

She shakes her head. "It didn't say. But his mother," a tear runs down her cheek. "she said that it doesn't look like he's coming back."

My eyebrows scrunch together in frustration. I can barely register Rachel's protests as I sprint past her.

**Today**

It doesn't look as far up as they usually show it in movies. Though the ominous dark clouds and mist make it more fitting. I swallow the lump forming in my throat. The note I'd been holding onto so tightly gets shoved in my jean pocket. I glance around to make sure I'm alone. I am, no ones in sight. I sigh out a breath.

I hoist myself up onto the ledge and look down. Now that I'm up here, it does look farther down. Hot tears roll down my cheek. It step forward, leaving only the balls of my heels on the ledge. A cold wind blows, willing me towards my destination. A raise my head to the sky, closing my eyes, feeling the air on my skin for the last time.

"Goodbye, Noah." I whisper.

I fall forward letting my arms sprawl out to the sides. Wind rushes past me. My hair flows backward and a smile spreads across my face.

You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes before you die? Well only part of that is true. The only thing I see is him, smiling, telling me he'll be with me forever. That's all I see before feeling the impact of the concrete. Before all the pain permanently disappears.

**One year later**

Exactly a year ago, I got a phone call. A phone call telling me she was found dead. Suicide she said. I told Rachel to fuck off and stop trying to get me to come back. How she found my number was beyond me.

It took me only another day to realize she had been telling the truth. It was all over the news. Her senior year picture, followed by headlines. Local girl jumps off bridge. People questioned for girl's motives after she commits suicide.

It took me 6 months to come back. After drowning myself in sorrow and booze I finally got together enough courage to visit her grave. Rachel met me at the cemetery, leading me towards hers.

"People come by nearly everyday, or at least they did. No ones really been down in a while." She had said. She kept her distance. As if I could possibly hurt her anymore. I just nodded, trailing behind her. She left me alone once we got there. I think I cried. It's mostly just a blur. But I know I talked to her. Or the head stone at least.

But it wasn't until today when I came to her house. Knocking on her door, expecting her to answer, but knowing that I would be greeted with Mrs. Lopez.

It's her older brother though.

"Puck." He says. I nod.

"Hey can I uh come in?" I ask. He continues to stare at me for a minute before stepping aside. I walk inside and immediately wished I hadn't come at all. Everything is exactly as it had been from the last time I was here. Which, when I think about it, was probably the third worst day of my life.

"Listen man," he brother says. "everyone is at the school for the memorial service, so I was gonna head out. Every things still in her room. No ones been up there since."

I nod understanding. If you want to go up there you better do it now cause it's the only chance you'll get. "Thanks. And sorry, you know."

"Yeah I know." He says. He shrugs on his jacket and leaves me standing in the hallway of there house alone. I hear the door close and walk over to her room. The door is closed. The poster that says "Keep out" is still hung on her door. I run my hand over it, remembering the day I had put it there.

_"If were gonna be doing this whole sex thing all the time, I don't need your mom or dad walking in on us." I said with a chuckle. She had rolled her eyes. _

_"Because the whole, "Ooh Puck more" thing wouldn't give it away?" she said smirking._

I open the door and am overwhelmed with her scent. It been so long. I step inside and run my hands over every surface. The dresser, still cluttered with cheer trophies, magazines and bottles of alcohol. Her bed, made perfectly, with a folded note on top. I pick it up and open it, noting the dried blood that seeped through it.

_Noah, if this isn't you, put it down. Anyway, if it is you, I'm sorry. I am really. I could've come to find you. I could've done something to make you see what I have been seeing. But in my eyes, it didn't matter. I don't think I could ever live knowing you didn't love me. No matter how hard I tried you were always jumping to some other girl. I guess I cant blame you for that. It's just who you are. You'd always get bored and need someone else. You needed a challenge. But then you found her and suddnely I didn't matter. I always wished you'd just realize that I'd always been there for you. Well I guess if your reading this then I can't be here for you. But we never would've been together would we? You never loved me, you loved her. And don't you lie and say you don't cause I know you and she's all you talked about for weeks. Rachel's a lucky girl Puck. Don't leave her. Ever. Promise me okay? Just stay with her. Because she didn't deserve what happened to her. She drew the short end of the stick. She deserves better you know? Be faithful. Be yourself. But always remember, I'm here whenever you need me. Best friends forever okay? Not even death can bring us apart. I love you, and even though I wish it was the same for you, be happy. _

_Don't blame yourself. I was fucked up beyond your help. Tell Brittany I'm sorry too. And say thank you to Rachel. She was the first to tell me that you left and then didn't stop calling to check up on me after I found out. _

_I'm also sorry about telling her. Tell her I'm sorry. I should've never told Rachel about us, I was a jealous bitch. And I know it was a drunken mistake, but I pulled it out of proportion. I guess what was worse was finding out that you left because of her not me. You left because she left you. Because you broke her heart and couldn't bear to see her pain. I'd like to think it was my pain, but I know the truth Puck. _

_Please forgive me. _

_Santana - __P.s. There's a notebook on my desk. Read it. _

I put the note in my pocket and walk over to her desk. I sit in her chair and let my eyes fall to the green spiral notebook. On the front, scrawled in her perfect handwriting, says two words. _Our arrangement._

I flip it open and begin to read.


End file.
